Why did the grapefruit get kicked out of the chorus?
He kept hitting sour notes.
***
How do you get two fruits to dance?
You pear them up.
***
What happens when a grape is getting old and cranky?
It starts to wine.
***
What fruit makes drinking easier?
The straw-berry.
***
What fruit unlocks doors?
The ki-wi.
***
Why did the banana get a speeding ticket?
He got caught peeling out of the parking lot.
***
What’s a good name for a fruit?
Barry.
***
Why did the police photograph the cup of coffee?
To get its mug shot.
***
What drink makes you go, “OUCH!”?
Punch.
***
What types of jokes do farmers make?
Corn-y ones.
***
LEM: Hey, did you hear about the new animated movie about the princess who falls in love with a vegetable farmer?
CLEM: Yup, it’s called Beauty and the Beets.
***
What did the carrot hope for on its vacation?
Peas and quiet.
***
How do you send a bouquet to someone on Mother’s Day?
You caul-i-flower shop.
***
What’s the most adorable vegetable in the field?
The cute-cumber.
***
What vegetable is kept in a cage?
A zoo-chini.
***
Why was the lettuce a big success?
He had a head for business.
***
How do you get a piece of bread to do you a favor?
You butter it up.
***
What do you call a Southwestern dish that’s been in the freezer?
A burrrr-ito.
***
How do loaves of bread congratulate each other?
With a toast.
***
What is a sailor’s favorite sandwich?
A sub.
***
What is a soldier’s favorite sandwich?
The hero.
***
Why does bread get fat?
Because it loafs around all day.
***
What egg wears cowboy boots?
A Western omelet.
***
What noise do stolen hamburgers set off?
Burger alarms.
***
What’s a clock’s favorite meal?
Minute steak.
***
What kind of pasta has lots of pimples?
Zit-i.
***
What’s a good snack to eat on Father’s Day?
Pop-corn.
***
Why couldn’t the egg get good reception on his television?
All the channels were scrambled.
***
What’s a good name for an egg?
Shelley.
***
What do you eat for lunch in a cemetery?
Tomb-atoes and grave-y.
***
Why don’t detectives make good vegetarians?
Because they’re always on steak-outs.
***
How do you know when seafood makes you sick?
Your skin gets clammy.
***
What’s a good name for a hot dog?
Frank.
***
What’s a good name for a hamburger?
Patty.
***
What language do cold cuts speak?
Spam-ish.
***
Where does spaghetti go to dance?
To a meat-ball.
***
Which sandwich tastes best at the beach?
Peanut butter and jelly-fish.
***
On which day of the week does ice cream taste best?
Sundae.
***
What dessert helps you drink your milk?
Cup-cakes.
***
How does a piece of pie see the future?
Through a crust-al ball.
***
What candy shrinks when you put it in the dryer?
Cotton candy.
***
What happens if you put too many cocoa beans in your mouth?
You choke-a-lot.
***
What do sweet, old ladies walk with?
Sugar canes.
***
What language do pastries speak?
Danish.
***
What do balloons drink at birthday parties?
Soda pop.
***
What candy do teeth love most?
Gum-my bears.
***
What do poor squirrels hunt for in the winter?
Dough-nuts.
***
What treat do they serve in prison?
Jail-y doughnuts.
***
Why didn’t the doughnut like the brownie?
It was a bit nutty.
***
Why didn’t the oatmeal cookie like the chocolate cookie?
It had a chip on its shoulder.
***
What is the sweetest Christmas song?
Frosting, the Snow Man.
***
When are newlyweds the sweetest ?
When they’re on their honey-moon.
***
Why was everyone clapping for the bowl of rice?
Because it was puddin’ on a great show.
