Q: Why does the cow love Harley Davidsons?
A: She loves how a moo-torcycle purrs.
***
Kid: Grandma, what would you say if I told you your sock had a hole in it?
Grandma: Darn it!
***
Some things can be hair-raising if they’re ideas off the top of your head.
***
When someone has half a mind to do something, they’re usually ill-equipped for the task.
***
Q: Why is it difficult to argue with a cow?
A: When her mind is made up, she’s im-moo-vable.
***
Q: What was the name of the cow’s boyfriend’s college fraternity?
A: Kappa Epsilon Moo.
***
When he asked her out he said he was a serial monogamist, but she decided against getting in line.
***
When he asked her for a date, she gave him a calendar full of them.
***
Q: What did the cow and her boyfriend do on their date?
A: They went to a moo-vie.
***
The father of the bride didn’t like the groom and didn’t want to give anything away.
***
Q: Why didn’t the cow kiss her boyfriend?
A: She wasn’t in the moo-d.
***
When the weather turns bad, extroverts bundle up and go outside; introverts are content to stay inside.
When the weather turns nice in the late spring, extroverts put on their running shoes and go outdoors; introverts are content to stay inside.
***
Q: What’s going on when a cow thinks something is only a little funny and others think it’s uproariously and hilariously funny?
A: To her it’s just a-moo-sing.
***
In business, extroverts are rarely silent partners.
***
When an estate is being liquidated, introverts prefer a silent auction.
***
Q: What do cows do when they have extra cash on hand?
A: They invest in moo-tual funds.
***
People who sit on copy machines to take “selfies” are seriously con-seat-ed.
***
People who sit on copy machines and take “selfies” are getting behind in their work.
***
Q: What do you call a cow that takes advantage of you?
A: A moo-cher.
***
To the locals, the visiting egotist was an I-sore.
***
A procrastinator’s life is characterized by the laws of pause-and-effect.
***
Q: How does a cow control another without their knowledge?
A: Through moo-nipulation.
***
The narcissist at the crime scene told the investigators he was an I-witness.
***
The beautiful young woman lost the beauty contest because she figured wrong.
***
Q: What’s it called when a cow feels guilty for having done something wrong?
A: She’s feeling re-moo-rse.
***
Immigrants from Southeast Asia coming to the United States after a time of assimilation become disoriented.
***
When visiting Australia, Americans often look the wrong way when crossing the street and get that run-down feeling.
***
When the power went out during the massive storm, the people were de-lighted.
***
When the power failed, everyone had a dim view of things.
***
Q: Why did the cow need cheering up?
A: Her friends thought she was getting way too moo-rbid.
***
How tall is it if it’s standing water?
***
What is it called if it isn’t a close shave?
***
Q: What’s that fuzzy thing on a cow’s boyfriend’s upper lip called?
A: A moo-stache.
***
What direction would you be facing when you take your turn?
***
Do you suppose that a child boarding a flight in his mother’s arms is considered a carry-on?
***
Q: What does a calf call his mother?
A: Moo-mmy.
***
Extremely bright children are often in a class by themselves.
***
The high school class clown told everyone he was going to run away and join the circus, but that was jest another of his jokes.
***
Q: What kind of test format does a studious cow student prefer?
A: Moo-tiple choice.
***
When the college student maxed out several credit cards, his parents had him undergo plastic surgery.
***
A recent dyslexic graduate of University of California’s Boalt Law School went to work for Victoria’s Secret. He thought he’d died and gone to heaven as he prepared to take the state bra exam.
***
Q: Why did the cow fail to pass the bar exam?
A: She forgot what moo-t court was.
***
The student cook didn’t think much of his first assignment of cooking waffles, but when he accidentally put his hand on the hot waffle iron, that made an imprint.
***
Japanese children learn at an early age to feed themselves rice by sticking to it.
***
There isn’t anything more amazing to a child than churning thick cream until it magically transforms into butter, no whey!
***
When the couple was snowed in and couldn’t get to the grocery store, they made do by eating the dates off the calendar.
***
A young family emigrating from Korea decided to start a Seoul-food restaurant at the local mall.
***
Q: What’s a Chinese cow’s favorite dish?
A: Moo-shu pork.
***
Many homeowners are turning to preserving fresh fruits because they can.
***
Thieves stole a truckload of fruit and left a trail of bananas. They slipped past the authorities.
***
Dad wasn’t a very good cook with the barbecue, but everyone said he pursued it religiously because of all the burnt offerings.
***
Q: What does a cow usually put on her hot dogs on the 4th of July?
A: Moo-stard and relish.
***
Anyone with a wheat allergy who routinely eats pasta is just a gluten for punishment.
***
When your stomach is queasy you don’t want to bring up breakfast.
***
The wife of a celery farmer complained to the sheriff that someone was stalking her.
***
Q: Why did the sheriff arrest the cow?
A: She was making illegal moo-nshine.
***
Dunkin’ Donuts has come out with a powerful product to help you quit smoking. It’s called a “cream puff.”
***
Pubs in Ireland use bar graphs to track the up and down consumption of ale amongst their patrons.
***
Q: When a cow went to work for Starbucks, what did they name the new line of drinks?
A: Café moo-cha.
***
You don’t have to be steamed to brew a great cup of espresso.
***
The coffee shop owners argued mightily over everything in the business and in their marriage, and they eventually found grounds for divorce.
***
Coffee drinkers don’t lose any sleep over health concerns with drinking too much coffee.
***
In the final analysis, the quality of a cup of coffee boils down to its taste.
***
Q: What does a cow call those campfire treats of graham crackers, Hershey squares, and toasted marshmallows?
A: S’moo-res.
***
The raisin thought things were going really well because he was on a roll.
***
Steak and eggs with champagne for breakfast can be a cereal killer.
***
The joke was so funny the banana broke out in peels of laughter.
***
Who would win if you pit a peach against an apricot? Get the inside story.
***
A watermelon and a honeydew wanted to get married right away, but they cantaloupe.
***
The tennis shoe met the high heel shoe but couldn’t communicate because they didn’t share a common tongue.
***
The dress shoe got along well with the stilettos because they were both well-heeled.
***
Q: What’s it called when a cow vandalizes a valuable painting?
A: Moo-tilation.
***
Some writing instruments you can pencil in as being without question needed.
However, the eraser can rub out all advantages any one instrument might have over another.
But there is one instrument “to rule them all.” (With apologies to J.R.R. Tolkien)
***
Why is it that flypaper doesn’t?
***
Q: Why does a cow copy another cow’s behavior?
A: To em-moo-late them.
***
Why does a colander have to strain in order to do its work well?
***
Why is it that sandpaper has it so rough?
***
Q: Why did the cow become a member of a mosque?
A: She was a Moo-slim.
***
When the wedge threw his name in the ring as a candidate he knew he was likely going to split the vote.
***
The wedge left the party early because he had a splitting headache.
***
Q: What was the name of the cow’s college sorority?
A: Delta Lambda Moo.
***
Nails have the reputation of being drunkards because they’re always hammered.
***
You can always tell the union nails from non-union because they’re totally galvanized.
***
A flat head nail and a finishing nail got married, and they named their firstborn son, “Brad.”
***
Q: What’s it called when you and a cow know others in common?
A: You have moo-tual acquaintances.
***
The nail and screw worked well as a team because they’re both joiners.
***
The nail and screw became fast friends because of their joint efforts at holding things together.
***
Screws, unlike nails, have a hard time unwinding.
***
Q: What’s it called when you can’t change a cow’s mind?
A: Her position is said to be im-moo-table.
***
Screws have a hard time making friends because they’re a twisted bunch.
***
Screws turned out differently than nails just by a twist of fate.
***
A Phillips head screw and a slotted screw started a joint fashion design company because they liked each other’s threads.
***
Q: Why would a cow choose to be a copycat?
A: Im-moo-tation is the highest form of praise.
***
Screwdrivers seem to consistently get into trouble because they’re always screwing around.
***
You know, of course, that a crowbar isn’t a place where blackbirds hang out and drink beer?
***
The hammer left the party early because he had a pounding headache.
***
You don’t want to hang out with bolts because of their nutty friends.
***
Q: What do you call an up-and-coming cow?
A: A moo-ver and a shaker.
***
The 100-watt bulb invited his fluorescent friends over for a light dinner.
***
The Chinese lightbulb was a hit at the technology expo because of its ability to dim some.
***
Q: What did the cow feel when she was exposed for cheating?
A: She was moo-rtified.
***
There’s a reason why motorcycles have kickstands: they’re two-tired to stand up by themselves.
***
Q: What did the cow say when she got on a crowded bus?
A: “Would someone mind moo-ving over so I can sit down?”
***
Digital clocks have their hours numbered.
***
A timepiece with mainspring has a more leisurely approach to telling time because it takes its time unwinding.
***
Analog clocks animate and put a face on time.
***
Analog clocks are for those who have hands on their time.
***
The Swiss clock struck XIII because it was a little cuckoo.
***
Q: What’s it called when a cow prints money for the US Mint?
A: Moo-la.
***
While it is everyone’s civic duty to serve, being called for jury duty can be very trying.
***
Q: What do you call it when a cow gets a refund on her taxes?
A: Re-moo-neration.
***
Discussion of the Second Amendment all too often triggers angry exchanges.
***
Discussion of the Second Amendment is difficult because it’s a loaded issue.
***
There is the obvious restriction on yelling “fire” in a crowded theater, but today add the threat that someone openly carrying might start shooting.
***
The Second Amendment doesn’t often elicit high-caliber commentary on either side.
***
If every presentation on the Second Amendment were to leave out all the bullet points, would that help foster civil discussion?
***
Q: What made the cow’s political campaign so successful?
A: She had a strong team of com-moo-nity organizers.
***
After the successful ballot measures won, pot farmers in Washington and Colorado were happy their crops were going up in smoke.
***
After the Washington and Colorado election results were in, all the pot farmers exhaled.
***
Shops in Washington and Colorado selling legal marijuana are being called drug stores.
***
Drug Enforcement Agency officers made a raid on a targeted home because word was that the man was going to take a powder.
***
Q: What’s a thousand dollar bill in the purse of a billionaire cow?
A: She thinks of it as pocket moo-ney.
***
The CIA once explored the use of Victoria’s Secret models for undercover work, but gave it up when everything was exposed.
***
I understand Victoria’s Secret is in the business of software. I’ve only known this briefly.
***
The patent lawsuit against Victoria’s Secret was thrown out of court by the judge because it was based on flimsy evidence.
***
Victoria’s Secret prefers to avoid conflict with competitors lest things end up tit for tat.
***
Victoria’s Secret’s advertising relies on the greatest amount of exposure possible.
***
Victoria’s Secret must look to innovation to keep abreast of the industry.
***
You wouldn’t think very many people sue Victoria’s Secret, but they have an entire department of attorneys reviewing briefs.
***
There was a scandal at Victoria’s Secret followed by a cover-up. It was barely successful.
***
Q: What’s it called when a cow aspires to lofty goals?
A: She’s said to have excellent moo-tivation.
