When the husband was working on some roof repairs, his wife got upset because she said his mind was in the gutter.
***
Car crash dummies are indispensable when it comes to crash courses in auto safety.
***
It should be no surprise that Count Dracula’s long distance travels are limited to fly-by-night carriers.
***
The president of the neighborhood association was mean-spirited and didn’t treat people very well, so everyone took to referring to him as the blockhead.
***
When a lone gunman entered a furniture store and killed a number of people, he was later apprehended and charged with mattresside.
***
While irritating, it should never come as a surprise when your doctor is late in seeing you; after all, you were asked to sit in the waiting room.
***
A bank robber’s main problem is that he’s making unauthorized withdrawals that are frowned upon by the police.
***
I’ve been wondering, are prisoners in jails allowed to have cell phones?
***
Saturday and Sunday are thought of as “rest days.” When one retires, what about the rest of the days of the week?
***
Can a person who’s 6’10” be short with you? And don’t say “not atall.”
***
Since St. Peter mans the Pearly Gates, does that mean Heaven is a gated community?
***
The master candle maker created a special line of old scented candles for those who want to wax nostalgically.
***
If you are an introvert commuter and you take an express train, are you expected to talk with people?
***
Checkmate: A computer app to help newlyweds balance their finances.
***
Toupee: Something used to disguise one’s hairitage.
***
Death throes: Your reaction to information you found on the internet about symptoms you have you didn’t want to bother your primary care doctor with, and which he said not to look up online.
***
The inexperienced demonstrator brought a picket fence to the demonstration.
***
Is it a bad thing to want to prune one’s family tree?
***
When the senior relented and bought himself a smart phone, he was righteously indignant, complaining, “if it’s so smart why do I have to do everything to make it work?”
***
Does chain smoking have a link to lung cancer?
***
Can a paraplegic be a standup kind of guy?
***
With the demise of the old dial telephone, why do they still call it a dial tone?
***
Some airlines have more stringent rules regarding buzzards bringing carrion on longer flights.
***
The stonemason’s daughter rocks!
***
Arachnophobia is enough to make your skin crawl.
***
When the millionaire gave his girlfriend a large diamond pin, she cried and said, “You rock!”
***
The crown chicken decided the smaller yacht was a less eggstravagant show of wealth, even if she’d feel cooped up.
***
The chicken was an eggspatriot living abroad, until she got homesick and scrambled to come home.
***
The task was going to be as hard as eggstracting hen’s teeth.
***
The chicken beauty queen discovered that her eggsfoliating cream didn’t work; it just ruffled her feathers.
***
The man asked for a refund on his red-eye flight, saying it was a fly-by-night cheap arrangement.
***
You’d think people who live in glass houses were all for transparency.
***
People who live in glass houses should never get stoned.
***
People who live in glass houses can say curtains to a life of privacy.
***
If people who live in glass houses weren’t known before, their exposure will change all that.
***
Living in a glass house can be difficult and involve a whole lot of pane.
***
When you live in a glass house, the matter of privacy can be a pane in the glass.
***
The mastery and technology that went into the very first Samurai swords was cutting edge.
***
Whatever you do, don’t ever make the mistake of pissing off a urologist.
***
New parents appreciate their obstetricians because of the responsibilities they’ve born.
***
After an argument with his wife, Sam always sits in front of a mirror in order to reflect on his fate.
***
When Slinky was arrested for going down the stairs under the influence of an intoxicant he knew his family would spring to his defense.
***
The wrench said to the pliers, “Pinch me, I don’t believe it!”
***
The pliers said to the wrench, “Get a grip. You’re losing it!”
***
The pliers said to the wrench, “Let’s grab lunch sometime.”
***
The wrench said to the pliers, “Hold on tight! I’m about to make a sharp turn.”
***
When Sally Tall married Alan Shorter she became Sally Shorter. For Alan he always was Shorter.
***
When Sally Tall married Alan Shorter she became Shorter. Alan had always been Shorter but Sally newly became Shorter.
***
When Alan Shorter and Sally Tall Shorter had a baby he was a little Shorter.
***
If Sally Tall Shorter and Alan Shorter were to have their marriage annulled Alan would still be Shorter but Sally would be Tall again.
***
Grandma Barbara took a ballpoint pen and snuck up behind grandson, Xander, grabbed him and started writing on her grandson’s arm. “Grandma, what are you doing?” “I’m texting you!”
***
What does it tell us about the intelligence of people who use smart phones while driving?
***
The “generation gap” shows up in one modern-day statistic: the number of young people who text while driving increases the number of those who won’t make it to retirement.
***
The label “smart phone” is a misnomer: It doesn’t turn itself on, does not recognize me, relies on my memory for the password, asks me to give it directions to operate all functions, and badgers me with error messages. And I’m the dumb one?
***
I’m wondering if “smart phone” refers to how bad it smarts when you have to figure out how the hell it works?
***
I think it’s plain mean to call them “smart phones.” It makes me feel so dumb having to figure everything out about it.
***
Calling it a “smart phone” is a promotional ploy of young developmental engineers who are too smart for their own good.
***
Some of us remember the saying, “a penny for your thoughts?” In today’s economy, that no longer makes cents.
***
The innovative sleep company specialized in mattresses for the lay public.
***
Cross-dressing gives some people a sense of identity, whereas for others it can be a drag.
***
When a mean-spirited bigot comes through checkout and is abusive to the clerk, it is clearly an example of counter terrorism.
***
Local communities have found that funding the 4th of July fireworks has been difficult because of skyrocketing costs.
***
Jack-in-the-Box went to see his primary care physician because he’d been feeling jumpy lately.
***
Jack-in-the-Box was getting so old he lost that spring in his step.
***
After 10,000 pops, Jack-in-the-Box had to have his spring lubricated.
***
Jack-in-the-Box’s life is never dull. Every time the “weasel goes pop,” it’s a surprise to him.
***
The Slinky manufacturer came out with a new line for its spring collection.
***
A certain segment of today’s adults grew up on Sesame Street, just around the corner from Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood.
***
There was a time when all elevators had operators who had learned all the ups and downs of its operation.
***
The opening session of the OCD conference was delayed because of a typo in the program.
***
Planning for the OCD conference got bogged down when the rules committee couldn’t agree on several compelling issues.
***
If an extraterrestrial were to visit earth, a hostile reception most likely would make them feel alienated.
***
The taxi driver left work early because he felt his customers were driving him to distraction.
***
As far as the IRS is concerned, your finances will never put you at the point of no return.
***
Once you reach the point of no return, you have no fallback position.
***
You have a 50% chance of reaching the point of no return.
***
Once you reach the point of no return, you might as well go ahead with things.
***
To reach the point of no return, you just need to go halfway. Anything less just won’t cut it.
***
You can still reach the point of no return by a half-hearted attempt.
***
The Sandman is someone with true grit.
***
When two egocentric lovers started dating, people said they were an I-tem.
***
In order to be able to sit for hours in the lotus position, the Buddha had to have a leg up in his physical conditioning.
***
The long-time TV meteorologist was let go under a cloud of suspicion.
***
The young couple invested their entire savings in a cattle ranch and steaked their future in its success.
***
It’s always a ticklish situation when the Grammar Police are called in to arrest someone for an indecent preposition.
***
Should the Grammar Police be called if someone is the object of unwanted prepositioning?
***
The Grammar Police were alerted to his presence because he was a noun criminal.
***
Proper nouns expect special treatment by the Grammar Police because of their prominent and lofty station in life.
***
There is a level of resentment among Grammar Police when dealing with proper nouns because they show such a sense of entitlement.
***
Grammar Police consider pronouns helpful in identifying nouns. “It” is a big help.
***
Proper nouns help Grammar Police put a name to a suspect.
***
Have you noticed that Grammar Police can be short with you, especially if you use a lot of abbreviations?
***
Period is strong-willed and decisive, whereas his friend, Comma, is more hesitant and pauses when he changes his mind.
***
Period is headstrong, obstinate even, and goal-driven. Comma is easygoing and casual and pauses to smell the roses.
***
Companies that produce smart phones have whole departments to promote their sales. Maybe they should be called “sell phones.”
***
How does one open a Surelock Home? The answer, my dear, is simply elementary.
***
The logical successor to the TV series The X-Files is The Y-Files. Y indeed? You just have to wait and Z.
***
Broom married his childhood sweetheart after sweeping her off her feet. They named their firstborn son Whisk.
***
In the daily status report, the Fashion Police found that suspenders were holding things up.
***
The crotchety old couple have been married for 40 years in what they describe as a binary relationship: it’s off-again, on-again.
***
The scarecrow spent his days in mindless daydreaming.
***
The OCD shopper had forgotten what she had written down she needed, so at the grocery store it was difficult because she felt so listless.
***
The Snow Princess was sick of dating, so she kept giving suitors the cold shoulder.
***
How does the Snow Princess know when she gets a cold? Does she get a reverse fever?
***
Psychics, like ordinary people, are notoriously forgetful of their computer passwords. They, however, have access to a psychic hotline where operators are ready to remind callers of their forgotten passwords.
***
When car manufacturers added automatic transmissions to their cars, they caused many drivers to become shiftless.
***
Vanity plays a role in people’s decision to consult a plastic surgeon because they don’t accept their own face value.
***
When you use your smart phone to call your lover, is it considered a close call?
***
When the real estate agent concludes a sale on his smart phone, is it considered a close call?
***
Frosty the Snowman won a vacation trip all expenses paid to Miami, but declined because he didn’t want to lose sight of himself.
***
The Sandman got a little carried away in writing his memoirs and had to admit there was nary a grain of truth to any of it.
***
Everyone wants to be seen in the best light when they prepare their resume. Sometimes the exaggerations make it hard to see what really lies beneath.
***
While Casper wasn’t an accomplished writer, he decided against going with a ghostwriter for his memoir.
***
On laundry day, Casper is pretty much homebound because he doesn’t have a thing to wear.
***
If you ask a psychotherapist what kind of music they like, they’ll likely tell you they prefer the blues.
***
Surveys consistently find that the Easter Bunny likes hip-hop music.
***
The king gave his daughter a girl puppet for her birthday because he wanted to give the little princess a handmaiden.
***
If you ask what kind of music a true patriot loves, the answer is country.
***
If you’ve ever wondered what kind of music weasels like, they prefer pop.
***
Genealogists are music lovers, too, and their preference is folk.
***
When traveling in vampire country, always be prepared to stake your life on safety measures.
***
When confronted with a trick question, a vampire will always bite.
***
Q: How does a vampire eat after sundown?
A: He takes little bites.
***
A computer vampire virus wreaks its havoc by messing with little bytes at a time.
***
When vampires try speed dating, a question that invariably comes up is “What’s your type?”
***
The Hatfield Vampires and the McCoy Vampires had a long-standing blood feud.
***
The entrepreneur vampire decided to open a blood bank. His business hours were from one hour after sundown to one hour before sunrise.
***
When the vampire had to have dentures, he also had to switch to eating with an IV.
***
Vampires aren’t hematologists, and when classifying blood types, they often make typeOs.
***
When it comes to working, vampires prefer the graveyard shift.
***
Words a vampire doesn’t want to hear: “Rise and shine…!”
***
When vampires travel by air, they usually take the red-eye flight.
***
Vampires become expert in people-watching in order to take the pulse of potential subjects.
***
The vampire was a little embarrassed when he was told he was overdrawn at the local blood bank.
***
There is something very sensual in a vampire nuzzling a woman’s neck. For him, it’s a move not in vain.
***
If you’re ever in an argument with a vampire, never say in anger, “Bite me…!”
***
Getting into an argument with a vampire isn’t a good thing. You may end up donating blood.
***
It isn’t with a community spirit, but some vampires do have a kind of monthly blood drive.
***
Q: Why do vampires love family reunions?
A: Because blood is thicker than wine.
***
Q: What happens when a vampire marries a vampire?
A: They become a blood family.
***
When it comes to style of music, nuclear physicists tend to like fusion.
***
Vampires typically aren’t gullible. They don’t just bite on anything.
***
Do teenage vampires ever have to wear retainers for an overbite?
***
Professional repairmen have a curious preference in music. They seem to like Baroque.
***
When vampires are fatigued, they can get quite snippy and make biting remarks.
***
Vampires live extremely long lives because it’s in their bloodlines.
***
It’s illegal and wrong for cousins to do it, but on some level, it’s just a relative matter.
***
Necking has a very different meaning among vampires.
***
Vampires join college fraternities because they consider themselves blood brothers.
***
When on a date with a vampire, be wary if he suggests getting a bite before returning home.
***
Do retainers work to straighten a vampire’s crooked fangs?
***
Do vampires have to have a degree in hematology because they draw blood?
***
In your grandfather’s day, it didn’t take much to switch bad behavior.
***
When Alice reported what she experienced when she tripped down the rabbit hole, it caused people all over the land to wonder.
***
The importers of illegal makeup were charged with an attempted cover-up.
***
When consumers complained about the poor construction quality of the new line of lingerie, the owner offered a flimsy excuse.
***
Critics of skimpy lingerie often contend that they objectify women, but supporters feel there’s nothing to it.
***
With careful design certain brassieres allow for a plunging neckline, which results in men dropping their eyes.
***
The maximum amount of cleavage in a brassiere design leaves more than meets the eye.
***
Contemporary lingerie design often approaches the level of the Emperor’s new clothes.
***
Q: As one ages, bladder problems occasionally become an issue. Is there a satisfactory solution to this problem?
A: Depends.
***
Q: Do divorce attorneys handle civil cases?
A: The jury is still out on that.
***
When the hand-held stopwatch was gauged against other timing devices, it was second to none.
***
When the father of the Light family began studying his family tree, he learned there were a number of dim bulbs on a couple of branches.
***
The father of the Light family thought of himself as quite a clever fellow, but when it came to telling puns, his family thought he was a dim wit.
***
Due to privacy and confidentiality matters, when the famous actor underwent orthopedic surgery, the surgical team was kept to a skeleton crew.
***
In the olden days when you wore holes in your socks, it just meant one more darn task to take care of.
***
The master clock maker looked forward to retirement because he would have time on his hands.
***
With a watch with a sweep second hand, where’s the first?
***
If you base all your news coverage on materials you receive on your fax machine, you’re in serious trouble as a news network.
