There’s a new book out for ventriloquists: Articulation for Dummies.
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There’s a second new book out for ventriloquists: How to Lip-Sync for Dummies.
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The ventriloquist decided to run for political office and bought the book, Politics for Dummies.
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Noun and Verb were arrested by the Grammar Police and convicted of colluding in the wrong tense and are now serving a short sentence.
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Noun was brought in for questioning by the Grammar Police and is the prime subject of an ongoing investigation.
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The Grammar Police felt they had to bring Verb in for questioning because of his actions.
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The Grammar Police’s investigation was stymied because Noun’s accomplice, Verb, was missing, and the sentence they were colluding on was going nowhere.
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The Grammar Police arrested Ellipsis for not coming to a full stop at the end of a sentence.
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The Grammar Police had to investigate a case of Ellipsis being too lackadaisical in ending a sentence.
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When the Grammar Police interrogated Ellipsis, they found him hesitant in ending a sentence.
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The Grammar Police are frustrated they can’t arrest a semicolon for “stop-and-go” because it isn’t against the law.
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The Grammar Police were suspicious that Ellipsis wasn’t telling everything he knows.
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With Ellipsis murdered, the Grammar Police weren’t able to find out what he didn’t say.
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The Grammar Police found that Period came to an abrupt stop at the end of the sentence and was rear-ended.
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The Grammar Police stopped Ellipsis for a traffic violation because he made a rolling stop at the end of a sentence.
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The Grammar Police will tell you that the excessive use of the comma isn’t good for writing, but that is not comma knowledge.
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Is it possible for a paraplegic to be a standup comedian?
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There’s a new play coming to Broadway titled, “The Amazing Technicolor Book of Puns.” It’s a play on words.
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No one likes Apostrophe because he’s so possessive.
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The Grammar Police were involved in a sting operation and Apostrophe was arrested for possession with intent to sell.
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When the Grammar Police assessed the situation of Apostrophe, they called in a priest because it was a case of possession.
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Some writers are superstitious enough that they avoid having a Chapter 13 in any of their works.
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The Grammar Police stopped Apostrophe on suspicion of possession, but he claimed he just likes to hang with friends.
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The Grammar Police broke up the party to arrest Apostrophe, but in reality it was Comma on a high.
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Apostrophe and Comma are cousins. When the Grammar Police stop them, the main way to tell them apart is to grab the high one for possession.
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Comma is a really smooth character. When he dances with Sentence, he has that pause step that thrills her.
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The records of the Grammar Police don’t show that Comma has ever been arrested for making an illegal stop.
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It takes getting used to Exclamation Mark because he is so loud.
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No, you wouldn’t say Exclamation Mark was an introvert.
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When the Grammar Police found Question Mark in a daze, they asked him what happened, but he hadn’t a clue.
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The Grammar Police figure Exclamation Mark was on some substance because of his exaggerated emotional state.
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The Grammar Police originally thought they had Apostrophe on a possessions charge but it turned out to be a contract violation.
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The Grammar Police were called because Clause was in the brackets.
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Apostrophe’s husband grabbed the overnight bag and drove her to the hospital because of her contractions.
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Question Mark was picked up for loitering by the Grammar Police because someone called in a complaint about a questionable person in the neighborhood.
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When the Grammar Police brought Question Mark in for questioning, he didn’t have any answers.
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When Pronoun was being questioned by the Grammar Police, he kept changing the subject.
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Pronoun always hated the childhood game of tag because he was always “it.”
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To the Grammar Homicide Detective, murdering the English language is a major crime requiring capital punishment and a long sentence.
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During a news conference regarding abbreviations, The Chief of Grammar Police made a brief comment.
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Cursive writing is an ancient and beautiful skill. It doesn’t have anything to do with swearing unless you have difficulty doing it.
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At some point, a writer has to decide on the morality of plagiarism, whether it’s write or wrong.
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Is it a peripheral conversation when you can’t get a word in edgewise?
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If you send an email in all caps, is it considered express mail?
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Deadline: The punch line to a really bad joke.
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The Grammar Police gave the writer a warning about run-on sentences when he was going through a bad period in his writing.
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The Grammar Police had to let the adjective go when he modified his statement.
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According to the Grammar Police, an action movie is one predicated on a wild and daring chase sequence.
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The verb’s explanation to the Grammar Police didn’t hold up because they caught him in the act.
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Pronoun was held for questioning because he didn’t properly identify himself.
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The Grammar Police told the distraught comma, “Pause and take a breath, and then go on and tell us what happened.”
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The Grammar Police were called in on a domestic dispute. Period accused Comma of being indecisive and hesitant. Comma shot back that Period was close-minded and brought everything to a halt. Only one was arrested.
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As the Grammar Police approached the feline writer’s home, they were warned about her sharp clause.
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When Noun and Verb went camping, the Grammar Police were called because the two were sleeping in the wrong tense.
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When Noun and Verb received the package from the sporting goods store, they called the Grammar Police because their camping tense didn’t match.
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Bet you didn’t know that ty-ping paper is considered classic Chinese stationery.
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My dad was an immigrant to this country and spoke broken English. I wonder how hard it was to break it in.
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The Raven is an example of a Poe excuse for literature.
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The beat poets specialized in writing poems with no rhyme or reason.
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There’s a new meaning to the quote: “The pen is mightier than the ‘S’ word.”
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As a successful author, he was able to build a fine barbecue pit with all the writer’s blocks he’d gathered over the years.
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The chicken censors sought to eggspurgate certain sections of the manuscript because they were objectionable.
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Puns are a serious threat to visual health. They can cause severe rolling of the eyes.
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Grammarians are totally strict about the use of punctuation, period.
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One thing that drives grammarians crazy is the overuse of periods. It just has to stop.
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It doesn’t add to the quality of your writing if you use too many commas so you should pause for a while.
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The solution to sentences that don’t go anywhere is to adverbs.
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Stream-of-consciousness poetry is often unintelligible and stanza part from the rest of literature.
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To truly appreciate poetry, one needs to know the word’s worth.
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English poets fascinated with small trucks are known as poet lorryettes.
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Sign language interpreters can raise their voice and yet not be heard.
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When Four, For, and Fore met for the first time they learned that they were triplets separated at birth.
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Four, For, and Fore were reunited after learning they were triplets separated at birth. They started dating Two, To, and Too, who they met at a support group.
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Four, For, and Fore met at a support group for victims of identity theft. They found they had something in common.
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The triplets Two, To, and Too, were apprehended operating an identity theft ring. They had similar backgrounds.
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The triplets Four, For, and Fore got into frequent trouble as teenagers. Even their Grammar Ann had difficulty telling them apart.
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The triplets, Two, To, and Too, worked for years as stunt doubles in the movies. It was hard to tell them apart.
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The triplets Two, To, and Too, were named after a distant relative from ancient Rome by the name of Et Tu.
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Four, For, and Fore thought they might be related. They said that sounded about right.
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When the triplets, Four, For, and Fore, passed the DMV test their driver license photos were hard to tell apart.
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Why isn’t the word “abbreviate” a shorter word like “shorten?”
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Why is the word “long” shorter that the word “short?”
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Why are “brief” and “short” longer words than “long,” and “shortest” is longer than them all?
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Why is the word “shorter” longer than “short?” Is this a conspiracy?
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In English, a word is not more impressive for its length. It should be short and sweet, like “chocolate.”
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That a collection of letters can stand for something is impressive. It definitely says something about language.
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Bullies use harsh and brutal words to mean what they say.
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Words are the weapon of choice of bullies who prey on the vulnerable; their words are filled with meaning. It is intentional and they mean to do it.
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Writers turn to their thesaurus to enrich their story lines. Or, is it enhance?
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The novice writer was arrested by the Grammar Police for publishing indecent materials because she used too many dangling participles.
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The writer didn’t stand a ghost of a chance of finding someone to write his autobiography.
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Writers make sense of their stories by using memories of sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell.
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To a writer, a thesaurus is an invaluable tool. There’s another word for it, though.
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A punster, when faced with the punitive punishment of unaccepting pundits, knows that when it’s fourth and long, it’s best to punt.
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The three brothers, Four, For, and Fore, were very different personalities: One you could always count on, one was there for you, and the youngest always had to be first.
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The three sisters, Sent, Scent, and Cent, ended up in very different professions: One worked for the Post Office, one trained law enforcement blood hounds, and the youngest wrote puns for money.
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The three sisters, Two, To, and Too, were very close: One was a twin, one had direction in her life, and the youngest followed in her middle sister’s footsteps.
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The three brothers, Eye, Aye, and I, were very ambitious: One studied and became an optometrist, one went into piracy, and the youngest became a politician The three sisters, Mean, Mine, and Mein, were very different personalities: One didn’t play well with others, one was selfish, and the youngest was shallow and superficial.
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The three sisters, Merry, Marry, and Marey, were each single-minded: One loved to party, one had to get married, and the youngest loved to horse around.
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The three brothers, Poor, Pour, and Pore, fared differently in life: One had a gambling addiction and ended up penniless, one loved his job as a bartender, and one became a dermatologist.
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The three cousins, Abode, Aboard, and Abroad, have very different lives: One is a stay-at-home mom, one is a conductor on a commuter line, and the youngest travels extensively for her work.
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The Grammar Police arrested Comma and Period for colluding in the creation of multiple run-on sentences.
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After Period was convicted, the Grammar Police weren’t sure if any laws were broken when he began a sentence.
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The Verb actor did a three-week ride-along with the Grammar Police studying for the part of an officer in an action movie.
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Sometimes the Grammar Police have quiet stretches when there aren’t any problems to speak of.
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It used to be tense among the Grammar Police, but that’s all in the past.
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The Grammar Police wants to ensure the proper use of language because it’s the write thing to do.
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Improper language use as a write of passage will invariably draw the attention of the Grammar Police.
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Foul language isn’t a proper write of passage and is sure to catch the attention of the Grammar Police.
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Poetic license won’t shield you from the Grammar Police, especially if there’s no rhyme or reason to it.
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If your sentence structures are complex with intertwining clauses, you merely compound the problems for the Grammar Police.
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The Grammar Police arrested the ventriloquist’s dummy for poor language, but the judge threw the case out because he was just quoting someone else.
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The Grammar Police apprehended a gang of clauses who had colluded in the construction of overly complex sentences.
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The three sisters, Buy, By, and Bye, fared differently in life: One loved the Shopping Network, one stood with you through everything, and the youngest got ahead without even trying.
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There and Their were twins, one of whom grew up not knowing her place, the other resenting always having to share.
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The three brothers, Feet, Feat, and Fete, were very close: One was an Olympic 100-meter medalist, one an Olympic long jump champion, and the youngest was an organizer of Olympic ceremonies.
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The twin brothers, Faint and Feint, were quite different and enigmatic: One you hardly knew was around, and the younger “floated like a butterfly.”
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The sign language interpreter worked handily with several languages.
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One of the charges of the Grammar Police is to pause the excessive use of the comma.
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A radical thought for the Grammar Police to consider putting an end to all sentences, period.
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The charge placed on the Grammar Police is to strictly enforce proper use of the English language, period.
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The Grammar Police were called in because the guy was in the park exposing his dangling participle.
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There is a surgical procedure if you don’t know how to use the colon. At the end, you wind up with a semicolon.
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It is the job of the Grammar Police to arrest you for improper use of the English language. It is the judge’s responsibility to sentence you for a period.
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The Grammar Police are sometimes sent to investigate certain comedians because of reports of bad puntuation.
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The Grammar Police are frequently called upon to investigate the misuse of “I” and “me” in sentences. As for I, it’s not an issue.
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In the most serious of infractions, Grammar Detectives are called upon to investigate. In this instance the case was given to I.
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Grammar Police are keeping an eye on writers of action novels because they say it’s the verbiage that’s in question.
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Using the same noun twice in a single paragraph will catch the eye of a zealous Grammar Police officer. It’s for violating the renouned principle.
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For the Grammar Police, nouns are all too often the subjects of their investigations.
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The Grammar Police find it is often the case that improper verb tenses are actionable matters.
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When the Grammar Police receive a complaint involving verbs, they’re ready to swing into action.
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The Grammar Police were called to investigate a case of a writer who, during surgery for writer’s block, was put into an induced comma.
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The Grammar Detective called the paramedics about a case involving a writer. He had a serious case of writer’s block that resulted in his being commatose.
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The Grammar Police was called to investigate a clown’s misuse of commady in front of children.
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The Grammar Police were puzzled to learn the writer wrote a story without using any verbs. They found no actionable charge.
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The Grammar Police were able to break up the Mafia Language Gang when the capo, Noun, became a subject of interest.
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After the trial ended with a conviction, the period’s attorney filed a motion to overturn and end his sentence.
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Grammar Police are often called upon to reassure English language users by saying, “There, their, they’re.”
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The novice linguist was told an excellent place to study Sanskrit was on the beaches of Hawaii. She found there wasn’t a grain of truth in that suggestion.
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The ventriloquist and his dummy decided to go home for the holidays, and he packed the dummy in a suitcase. As for the flight, it wasn’t much to speak of.
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When the ventriloquist was young and just starting his career, he was low on cash so he couldn’t advertise his performances much. He had to rely on word-of-mouth.
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When the ventriloquist ran for public office his dummy actually won the seat because he was the better speaker.
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A ventriloquist’s worst nightmare is that his dummy is mute.
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A ventriloquist’s second worst nightmare is that his dummy becomes a sullen teenager.
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A ventriloquist is just one explanation for someone who talks with himself.
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When singers lip-sync, is there a ventriloquist back stage somewhere?
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The senior translator for the deaf was invited to speak at the Mime University’s commencement ceremony, but he declined because he felt he didn’t know the signs of the times.
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Translators for the deaf have found it impossible to post on any social media platform. They can’t even sign the agreement.
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The ventriloquist’s dummy wrote an autobiography that became a New York Times’ bestseller, Living With Someone Who is Forever Putting Words in Your Mouth.
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Sitting around all day thinking up puns is a tough assignment, but someone has to do it and I can take the punishment.
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The pun writer was insulted because some critic impuned his character.
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Neuroscientists have identified an area of the brain highly reactive in creators of puns called the “puntic trench.” It takes words and scrambles their meanings to elicit a laugh.
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The master ASL interpreter was in great demand because he excelled in giving audiences a hand.
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The young poet sent poems to his beloved written in beautiful script because he was so font of her.
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When the marionette auditioned for the symphony orchestra, it was for the string section.
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The dummy of the introverted ventriloquist had little to say about most things.
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Q: What would a sign language translator do at a national convention of mimes?
A: Be on hand to translate.
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Sign language interpreters have skills you can count on the fingers of both hands.
