Q: Why did the cow want to become an astronaut?
A: She had an aunt who once jumped over the moo-n.
***
The senior baker finally decided to retire because he didn’t knead the dough.
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The princess’ start-up bakery did extremely well because she was well-bread.
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The donut baker thought he had a creative new design for the classic donut, but his idea had a hole in it.
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The baker was asked to bring dessert to the potluck, and he said it was a piece of cake.
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The young entrepreneur went into the coffee business, but the business failed because he didn’t know beans about the product.
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A new coffee business has to get through the daily grind of a start-up before it can count on succeeding.
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The successful businessman took over a struggling coffee shop and turned the business around by perking things up.
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Working at a Starbucks has to be a grind, but you don’t want to stir things up.
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A thief stole a truckload of coffee beans and was caught by federal agents after crossing state lines. His attorney is seeking grounds for acquittal.
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The elder criminal had some advice for the young law breaker: “After your trial period try going straight.”
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When the gangster hired a hit man with poor eyesight, he found it was a big miss-take.
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Drug dealers are just dispensing medications under the counter.
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A master forger of Renaissance paintings is risking a brush with the law.
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Most cases heard before judges involve simple issues of laws-and-effect.
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Successful stand-up comedians have usually mastered the principles of applause-and-effect.
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A good lawyer’s business is tied up in the issues of clause-and-effect.
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The prominent Native American attorney was tapped to join the White House staff as a consultant on Indian Affairs, but she declined because of her reservations.
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When a circus clown becomes a judge, is he justly addressed as the Honorable Court Jester?
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The construction site owner was accused of using substandard materials and arrested for fraud. His attorney claimed his client was framed and the allegations against him were without foundation.
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Q: Why did the cow immigration attorney decide to run for congress?
A: She believes there is a need for im-moo-gration reform.
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It used to be common for politicians to get run out of town on a rail. Now people just use a poll.
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Briefs are the long and short of a lawyer’s court case.
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The attorney for the underwear manufacturer won his case in court because of all the briefs he filed.
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The CEO of an underwear company communicated with his employees through brief notes.
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The homicide detective was investigating a Victoria’s Secret suspect but had to dismiss her as there was scant evidence in the case against her.
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Q: Why does the cow love detective stories?
A: She likes to solve moo-rder mysteries.
***
A sign on the wall of the engineering and design department at Victoria’s Secret reads: “My cup runneth over.”
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Design engineers love working at Victoria’s Secret because the work is always uplifting.
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Design engineers at Victoria’s Secret think of themselves as the support team.
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Reporters attending the Victoria’s Secret fall lingerie show were surprised at how little coverage there was.
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When the ice cream company came out with a spectacular new flavor, a young reporter got the scoop.
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What if Ben & Jerry’s established a “Ben & Jerry’s Award for Excellence in Journalism” given annually for journalism’s best scoop?
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The dairy farmer was a brilliant businessman and his dairy was an udder success.
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To do well in the dairy business, you have to have the right pull.
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The dairy was very small but was a tremendous success because the farmer milked it for all it was worth.
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The village cheese maker had problems with falling production numbers because someone had gotten his goat.
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The novice rancher thought he’d try his hand at raising wild horses.
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The horse whisperer had to take a break from his work when he developed a cold and became a little hoarse.
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The unorthodox saddle maker got a wild idea and thought he’d stirrup some interest in the Old West.
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Cattle ranchers are always looking for ways to beef up their business.
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Peach farming is a tough business because at its center, it’s the pits.
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Citrus farmers have a difficult business. They’re always harvesting lemons.
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Strawberry farmers constantly have to watch the weather to avoid getting into a jam.
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Tomato farmers work such long hours they often need to ketchup on their sleep.
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Shitake farmers worked hard initially and eventually saw their market mushroom over time.
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Lettuce farmers reminisce about the salad days of their youth when they went without dressing.
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The wheat farmer’s son disappointed his father when he announced that instead of wheat, he wanted to sew some wild oats.
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When wheat prices plummet, farmers seriously have to consider going against the grain to survive.
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The enterprising farmer thought he could profit well from black market wheat, but his venture failed miserably because it was from the start a seedy proposition.
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If it works out right, working on a farm could be a plum job.
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The sugar plantation was noted for wild parties because the workers like to raise a little cane now and then.
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Almond growers have to be a little nuts to take up farming.
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The first order of business in the morning at the walnut processing plant is to get cracking.
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In this economy, having a job, even if it’s working in a pepper processing plant, is nothing to sneeze at.
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Workers at the clock factory aren’t sure they like the fact that they’re always on the clock.
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The master clock maker took his time repairing the antique clock because he had time on his hands.
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The elder clockmaker was so knowledgeable about antique timepieces he was considered clockwise.
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As the elder clockmaker aged he developed Alzheimer’s and lost all memory of his esteemed trade. Sadly he became counterclockwise.
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The sad thing for the fire chief was that he ruined his reputation when he made an ash of himself.
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The recruit failed the entrance requirements for the firefighting academy because he was just a little squirt.
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The young and naive entrepreneur went bust trying to make slippers out of banana peels. It was a fruitless endeavor.
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The young salesman for a sports shoe company was trying to get a foothold in the lucrative market.
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The entrepreneur was struggling with his new business because all too often, he was just out to lunch.
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The CEO of the rope manufacturing company was hard to contact because he was always tied up in meetings.
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The chief financial officer recommended the company diversify so the head of the business wouldn’t become the chairman of the bored.
***
Q: What does a cow with an MBA do on Wall Street?
A: She manages moo-rgers and acquisitions.
***
Accountants working for the IRS have to be highly skilled because the work is pretty taxing.
***
Accountants at the IRS have your number.
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Agents at the IRS want to hold you to account.
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The accountant’s business was beginning to add up, except for the period leading up to April 15, which was very taxing.
***
The obnoxious millionaire’s private jet was grounded for repairs and he was forced to fly commercial. Giving airline personnel a lot of attitude, he was assigned a seat in first crass.
***
The snake oil salesman did well selling a miracle emulsion made up of gum tree extract, but when he swung back for a return visit, the people yelled in protest, “You clipped us…!”
***
I wonder, do Eskimo salesmen use their cell phones to make cold calls?
***
Collection agencies have banks of callers who do nothing but make collect calls.
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The telephone operator was hesitant when a colleague asked her out on a date because she thought what he said was just a line.
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When the telephone company executive became engaged to the young operator, he gave her a ring.
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The telephone operator performing in her first play with the local community theater agreed to accept curtain calls.
***
The magician pulled off the greatest disappearing act when he turned into an alley.
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After a show, circus performers are exhausted because their performances are always in tents.
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The trapeze artist struggled to master routines with her partner, but she eventually grasped it.
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Clowns are often introverts who go to great lengths to paint themselves up to face the world.
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The circus clown was thumbing a ride when a VW Bug stopped for him. He declined and said he’d take the next one because there was standing room only in it.
***
If a clown gets a cold, is the condition called conjestion?
***
Juggling as a profession is fraught with uncertainty because things are always up in the air.
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You have to have balls to even try to make it as a juggler.
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A rodeo clown’s job isn’t always a barrel of laughs.
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A rodeo cowboy hopes for an expensive ride of at least ten bucks or more.
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The expert knitting instructor had a short-lived career as a standup comic, when she had everyone in stitches telling tall colorful yarns.
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The standup comic thought she missed an opportunity to draw Sunday comics where she could strip tease.
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Strip tease artists are misunderstood a lot. They don’t disrobe so much as they choose to wear their birthday suits.
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The young and budding singer appreciated the help she got from the audio engineer because she felt it was sound advice.
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Sound engineers aren’t always trustworthy because they could turn the tables on you at any time.
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The independent filmmaker presented a silent film project to a major film studio for their consideration, but they wouldn’t hear of it.
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The traditionalist photographer finally made the shift from film to digital because he was curious to see how things developed.
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Artists who work in pastels chalk it up to their love of soft colors.
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A local group of artists holds their monthly meetings on a drawbridge. They pencil it in their calendars to remind themselves.
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The cowboy turned artist learned rapidly and mastered the many techniques of the quick-draw.
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The artist dug deep into her creative well to come up with a new way to draw a bath.
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Artists usually aren’t licensed or trained to draw blood.
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It takes time for an artist to achieve success and draw a salary.
***
Supermodels are often overly concerned with their face value and the body of their work.
***
The sculptor submitted a design for a huge statue, but due to costs, it was downscaled and, to him, it ended up a relief.
***
When the master stonemason lost his job because of the economy, he became depressed and eventually hit rock bottom.
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The carpenter undertook a major construction project that stretched him to the limit, but he nailed it handily.
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Carpenters are an anxious lot. They’re continually biting their nails.
***
A carpenter’s job building a house is varied enough that he never becomes board.
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The interior decorator couldn’t come up with a proper treatment for the windows, and it spelled curtains for his business.
***
The retired CIA operative turned designer for a kitchen remodeling company was known for his counter-intelligence.
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The landscape architect designing a mansion installed a gravel driveway a stone’s throw from the street.
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The landscape gardener’s work became very personal when he planted his foot to steady himself.
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The landscape gardener specialized in trees with widespread and overarching branches because he wanted to capture a shady part of the market.
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The arborist was concerned that the trees in his backyard were diseased, but after examining them, got to the root of it.
***
Q: What’s a cow gardener’s most important piece of equipment?
A: Her lawn moo-wer.
***
When the arborist broke his leg, he had to take a leaf of absence from work.
***
The tree surgeon went out on a limb when he started his business, and when it succeeded he branched out. His family rooted for him because they could cedar trees for the forest.
***
The lawn care specialist considered retiring, but decided instead to cut back on his workload.
***
The florist was a blooming idiot when it came to business finances, but his wife blossomed, took over, and saved the business.
***
The electrician did well in the business because he had a light touch. His employer was delighted with his work.
***
The electrician loved his work because it energized him, but he was shocked with the current state of the profession.
***
Members of the metal worker’s union have to steel themselves when the economy takes a turn for the worse.
***
The welder held a torch for the young woman and wanted to be joined with her in welded bliss.
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The blacksmith excelled in his work because he was always stoked.
***
The crotchety auto mechanic could get any stalled car to start because he was a crank.
***
The crotchety tugboat captain had the reputation of being mean-spirited because he was always pushing people around the harbor.
***
All sailors go on shore leave to sea the sights.
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The lookout on the pirate ship worked up in the crow’s nest where he had a bird’s-eye view of the surrounding seas.
***
The crotchety hydrologist was getting so old he just didn’t give a dam.
***
The hydrologist’s solution for the problem of flooding rivers is, “Damn it!”
***
Environmentalists fought hard against the hydroelectric engineers because they just didn’t want the dam project.
***
Highway design engineers are regularly graded on how well their highway designs work. They’re usually graded on a curve.
***
Q: What’s a highway patrol cow’s most common task?
A: Giving out tickets for moo-ving violations.
***
A couple of men on the highway maintenance crew were fired for taking a nap on the roadbed.
***
A mattress tester lost his job for laying down on the job. He’s back on the job now.
***
If you think your dentist is pulling a fast one, don’t bite.
***
Dentistry is a profession that you can sink your teeth into.
***
When a dentist realizes he’s picked up some bad habits, he returns to drilling the basics.
***
Crews on major oil rigs quickly lose focus in their work because the drilling is so boring.
***
The forklift operator was bored and frustrated waiting for work to pick up.
***
Bulldozer operators earn just enough to scrape by.
***
When a backhoe operator gets irritated, he’ll take a dig at you.
***
Steam shovel operators love their work because it’s something they dig.
***
Ditch diggers often don’t have a long lunch break so end up shoveling down their sandwiches.
***
Take my word for it, don’t ask your undertaker friend to dig up a date for you.
***
Q: What do you call a cow that prepares the dead for burial?
A: A moo-rtician.
***
Undertakers meet people’s families when they have a terrible hole in their lives.
***
The geology profession is well grounded. You can say it’s rock solid.
***
The meteorologist had prepared a presentation on climate change at the university but had to cancel because he was under the weather.
***
Working from cold leads, the meteorologist reported hot breaking news that hell had frozen over.
***
Colleagues asked the meteorologist what the weather was going to be like for the station’s picnic, but he hadn’t the foggiest idea.
***
The meteorologist rushed in late to the studio and couldn’t give the weather report because he was winded.
***
The meteorologist didn’t have much of a social life because his colleagues thought he was a fair-weather friend.
***
Sometimes meteorologists’ predictions are all wet.
***
Astronomers always set their sights high.
***
Astronomers are hopeless romantics because they always have stars in their eyes.
***
Astronomy is a profession anyone can look up to.
***
For job opportunities for highly trained astronomers, the sky’s the limit.
***
Everyone liked the astronaut because he was so down to earth.
***
It doesn’t take much for any astronomer to have a star-studded career.
***
The radio astronomer loved listening to the “golden oldies.”
***
The bookbinder preferred to work by himself and had a sign on his door saying, “Please Leaf Me Alone.”
***
Translators for the deaf do such an exceptional job you have to hand it to them.
***
The pet groomer’s business started out great, but with a downturn in the economy, it eventually went to the dogs.
***
Fishermen work hard and look to the oceans for their net profits.
***
Deep-sea fishermen advance their business interests by always bringing up fish in the conversation.
***
The teenager wasn’t hired as a lifeguard because the committee thought he was still wet behind the ears.
***
Q: What’s it called when a cow takes on a second job at night?
A: Moo-nlighting.
***
For a witch in Old Salem, there was a lot at stake.
***
Old Salem was a tough gig for a witch. Coming out was not a burning ambition.
***
The young woman was captivated by the witch’s aura but her husband felt she was spellbound.
***
One thing witches don’t do when celebrating is toast each other.
***
Witch conventions usually have a workshop where you can sit for a spell.
***
Fortune-tellers have no trouble buying clothes in the right sizes because they’re all mediums.
***
When the fortune-teller gets a little tipsy, she needs to concentrate, so don’t ever strike a happy medium.
***
In the South you can go to a fortune-teller and sit for a spell.
***
The clothing designer created a special line of clothing specifically for fortune-tellers who were mediums.
***
The experienced seamstress is in high demand because she is sew good.
***
A woman entering a nunnery or cloister has to give up bad habits for good.
***
The priest disagreed with the cardinal but kept his silence because he didn’t want to cross his superiors.
***
When a priest leaves the priesthood, he has a long list of things to cross off.
***
The cartographer was having a midlife crisis because he didn’t know where he was in his life.
***
If you survey cartographers, you have to give them a little latitude in their responses.
***
If you survey a group of cartographers, your results will be all over the map.
***
The Prince took up the study of mapmaking because he wanted to survey his future kingdom.
***
Cartographers, at some point in their education, have to take a survey course.
***
In order to assess the retention levels of a cartographer’s basic knowledge, you have to conduct a longitudinal study.
***
When the Department of the Interior wanted survey maps of a national park, a small cartography company landed the job.
***
For a surveyor to work well with a team member, he has to level with him.
***
The itinerant surveyor takes all his measurements in transit.
***
Surveyors always have to keep a level head.
***
The loggers were hurting under the new regulations and pined for the good old days.
***
A garbage collector’s day is usually filled with trash talk.
***
The garbage collector was convinced by the stock market salesman to invest in some risky junk bonds.
***
The janitor working at the New York Stock Exchange boasted to his friends that he was cleaning up in the stock market.
