Q: When a famous cow dies, where is she buried?
A: In a ce-moo-tery.
***
When the other kids told him, “Go fly a kite!” Ben Franklin took them seriously.
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The Liberty Bell in Philadelphia doesn’t ring true because it isn’t all it’s cracked up to be any more.
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Valley Forge was the very low point in the “winter of our discontent.”
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Q: How was a Southern cow involved in the Civil Rights struggle?
A: She participated in the Moo-ntgomery bus boycott.
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Rumor has it that George Washington had a lot of children. People say he was the “father of our country.”
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Dwight D. Eisenhower was a leader of men, generally speaking.
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In assessing the contributions of Dwight D. Eisenhower to the victory in Europe during WWII, you can’t generalize.
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General Chuck Yeager was addicted to speed.
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The French consider General George S. Patton a hero because of his striking actions against the Germans during WWII. In appreciation the Parisians said, “Tanks!”
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The current US Congress has taken to heart Harry S. Truman’s motto, “The buck stops here.”
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The rodeo clown went by the nick-name “Truman” because he said “The buck stops here.”
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The hockey goalie went by the nickname, “Truman,” because he said, “The puck stops here.”
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Q: What US state is a favorite vacation destination for cows?
A: Moo-souri.
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The president and his top staff often go around and around in the Oval Office on difficult issues.
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Q: What was Chairman Cow’s principle instructional text?
A: The Com-moo-nist Manifesto.
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Francis Scott Key wrote “The Star Spangled Banner” because he was a stand-up kind of guy.
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Q: What’s the name of the movie about the Cow von Trapp family?
A: The Sound of Moo-sic.
***
Here’s a question: Did Nero fiddle away his time?
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Marcel Marceau wanted to take up the violin but he couldn’t get himself out of his box.
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Marcel Marceau gave a commanding performance for the Queen and he was so exceptional she was at a loss for words.
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Q: What was the valedictorian’s name at the Cow Mime University’s graduation?
A: Marcel Moo-rceau.
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Columbo thought he’d try learning the violin but gave up because he hadn’t a clue as to where to begin.
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Oliver Wendell Holmes considered himself an accomplished violinist, but the jury is still out on that.
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Oliver Winchester didn’t succeed in his attempt to learn the violin, but at least he gave it a shot.
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Paul Bunyan gave up studying the violin after a short trial. He decided he couldn’t cut it with all that was required.
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George Washington Carver wanted to be a concert violinist, but he decided he couldn’t make a living on just peanuts.
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Eli Whitney stuck with the violin because he cottoned to the music of Stephen Collins Foster.
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Alexander Graham Bell thought briefly of taking up the violin, but he eventually decided it wasn’t his calling.
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Alexander Graham Bell’s success with the telephone prompted him to give his girlfriend a ring.
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Thomas Edison wanted to learn how to play the violin, but once he started, gave it up because he was totally in the dark.
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Thomas Edison was shown to be a brilliant scientist when a light went on in his head.
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Linus Pauling was a terrible student of the violin. He only played C.
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Albert Einstein played the violin with only relative success, but he did so with considerable gravity.
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The Wright brothers considered learning the piano but gave it up as a flight of fancy.
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The Wright brothers were eventually successful in attaining powered flight because they spent years in flights of fancy.
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The Wright brothers wanted to continue flying, but everything was too much up in the air for them.
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Orville and Wilbur were the first Americans with the “Wright Stuff.”
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Q: What city in Alabama is famous for its cows?
A: Moo-bile.
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Was Amenhotep involved in the first pyramid scheme?
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Q: Where does a cow society keep historical artifacts?
A: In a moo-seum.
***
Samuel Morse was a terrible poker player because he always telegraphed his hand.
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Henry Ford is known for paying his workers well because he wanted them to be able to af-Ford buying his cars.
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When Johannes Gutenberg invented movable type, he was pressed with an increase in printing orders.
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Johannes Gutenberg’s apprentice had to sign a binding contract to begin his training.
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Michelangelo was such a genius as a sculptor that people today marble at his work.
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Michelangelo’s skill as a sculptor came easily to him, but he never took it for granite.
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There is absolutely no evidence that Michelangelo was stoned when he sculpted David.
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The quarry operator had a problem providing Michelangelo what he needed because he had lost his marbles.
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The Sistine Chapel conclusively proves Michelangelo was at the height of his artistry.
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Critics of Michelangelo’s sculptures accused him of being a chiseler.
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You have to say this about Michelangelo’s reputation: it’s rock solid.
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You could say Michelangelo’s reputation is carved in stone.
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As a child, Michelangelo was fascinated with sculpture, and people said he had rocks in his head to think he could succeed at it.
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When Michelangelo was young, he played a very different game of marbles.
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Q: What’s the famous portrait of a smiling cow called?
A: The Moo-na Lisa.
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The work of a master impressionist painter pales in comparison to the work of Renaissance masters.
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Salvador Dali had a very warped sense of time.
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The forger of a Jackson Pollock painting wanted to make a splash in the art world.
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Charles Schulz once considered becoming an auto mechanic so he could car toon.
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When Penn and Teller formed a performing comedy team, they agreed one of them would be a silent partner.
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Siskel and Ebert always chose to review musical movies in theaters because any other setting just wasn’t reel.
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Q: Why did the cow want to go to Hollywood?
A: She wanted to be in the moo-vies.
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The photographer was asked to take a portrait of the movie star, and she said she’d give it a shot.
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The actor is described as statuesque because his features are well chiseled.
***
Q: What character did the cow play in the movie The Karate Kid?
A: Mr. Moo-yagi.
***
You don’t have to wear shiny briefs and tights to be a superhero. There’s only one thing that makes you cape-able.
***
One of Clark Kent’s ploys to hide his true identity was to study the guitar, but as a skill, it just didn’t fly.
***
Q: Why is Breakfast at Tiffany’s the cow’s favorite movie?
A: She loves hearing “Moo-n River.”
***
When David went out to do battle with Goliath, the scales were seriously balanced against him, but he overcame the odds and won by rocking the giant to sleep.
***
During the off-season, Mrs. Claus learned how to pole dance.
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A child’s behavior before Christmas is usually affected by the laws of Claus-and-effect.
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Easter Bunny: I’m sorry I didn’t propose with a diamond, Honey. I thought you didn’t carat all for such things.
Harriet: Well you miscalculated, because now I’m hopping mad! I guess I should have egged you on, but I was so tired of yokin’ around.
Easter Bunny: I just want some bunny to love.
Harriet: If you don’t get me a ring, your love will be hare today, gone tomorrow.
Easter Bunny: But warren we be happier if we stopped passing the buck and instead saved our doe?
***
Who would have thought Thanksgiving was so existential. It used to be just relative.
***
Q: When a greeting card company set aside a day to honor cows, what did they call it?
A: Moo-ther’s Day
***
All the tooth fairies went on strike because their health care coverage didn’t include dental.
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After years of hanging out with Peter Pan, Tinker Bell was hired by a transportation company to start a ferry service.
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Winnie didn’t think much of Eeyore’s idea so Pooh-Poohed it. It hurt Eeyore’s feelings.
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Q: What’s the name the cow gives to the one who writes children’s nursery rhymes?
A: Moo-ther Goose.
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After Humpty Dumpty recovered from his fall, he was just a shell of his former self.
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After Humpty Dumpty recovered from his fall, he was arrested as head of a fraudulent shell corporation.
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Q: What did they call the cow professor Harold Hill?
A: The Moo-sic Man.
***
For the Tin Man, the trip to Oz was at the heart of the matter.
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For the Scarecrow, the trip to Oz was a no-brainer.
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For the Lion, the trip to Oz took the courage of his convictions.
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For Dorothy, the trip to Oz was a whirlwind adventure.
***
Q: What was one of Shakespeare cow’s most popular plays?
A: Moo-ch Ado About Nothing.
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The jester smirked as he challenged the king to eat an orange without breaking the skin, much to peels of laughter from the court.
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Though Cinderella was from very modest beginnings, she had a hearth of gold.
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Cinderella’s adoptive family was a step up from her early beginnings.
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When the Prince went looking for the mystery woman who disappeared from the ball at midnight, Cinderella didn’t realize she was a shoe-in.
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How did Cinderella impress the Prince upon her arrival at the ball? It was obvious she had a really great coach.
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For Cinderella and the Prince, the magic of the evening ended at curfew.
***
Q: What was Alexandre Cow Dumas’s greatest novel?
A: The Count of Moo-nte Cristo.
***
Q: What was Alexandre Cow Dumas’s second greatest novel?
A: The Three Moo-sketeers.
